I'd like to preface by saying that, while I've had some racier moments and swear like a goddamned sailor, this particular post is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Or children. Or even me, really. My mind is numb with cocks at this point. Not cartoon cocks. I'm talking porn cocks. Juicy porn cocks, to be precise.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Did you happen to read the story that's taking over the internet today, regarding the Applebee's waitress who was fired for her post on Reddit? Well, I did. And I think it's absolute horseshit. If you're too lazy, the short version is that some bitch, a pastor, no less, went to Applebees to gorge herself on sizzling shrimp or some shit. Despite the fact she had no complaints about the service she received, this is the receipt received by the waitress:
|(above: Christian values)|
I'd start to list the infinite reasons that this woman's hypocrisy and douchebaggery fill me with rage, but I'm pretty sure my skull would explode. After my coworkers and I had a nice ranting sesh, I decided to go sass the Applebee's Facebook page in retaliation. (Because, come on. What else can you really do with this kind of injustice when a million-dollar corporation is involved?)
I left a couple witty jabs here and there (that'll show 'em,) and was getting ready to return to my home page, when what to my wondering eyes should appear?
in the Applebee's banner...
choking down some invisible wang.
Can I just say, it should not be as hard as it was to find adequate love-sausage via Google? I initially typed in "wieners," thinking that would yield enough results, and was disappointed severely. "Alright, Meaty... I guess we're going to do this the hard way." Hur hur. Get it? Hard? Like cock? Yeah. But even when I'd resigned myself to using more.. direct terminology... searches for the likes of "wang" "dicks" "cocks" and even good ol' fashioned "penis" didn't give me a lot to work with. In a frustrated frenzy, I typed in "juicy porn cock."
The flood gates opened.
Everything I type sounds like an innuendo now.
I can't see anything without realizing how it could be transformed into a phallus.
You know how if you say a word a lot, eventually you get to a point where you're like, "Wait, is this a word? Is this still right?" That happens when you stare at high-res cocks up close in photoshop long enough, too. Just so you're aware. When you stare into the cock-filled abyss, the cock-filled abyss stares right the fuck back atcha, kiddo.
Honestly, it was so disturbing that I almost gave up after five minutes, but then I remembered that I had promised some people on Facebook that I would do this horrible deed. And I am one OP who always delivers.
So... I'll just let the pictures tell the rest of this story, because my fucking brain and soul hurt. And then I'm going to go take a shower and try to ignore the fact that my sister, cousin, mother, boss, and god knows who else all read this blog.
(Get ready for the NSFW. No one's around? K. Scroll.)
You know what the sickest fucking part of this blog post is? As I read and proofread, and get down to the bottom... when I finally get to this last image, I'm like, "where are the dicks?" The subtlety is lost on me after staring at them for the past hour, I guess. There's six fucking shlongs in that image, and that's not enough?
I have some soul searching to do.