You're doing it wrong, Howard.

If you came to this post looking for cohesion, you get the fuck out right now. I have no story, and no endgame. I'm just here to lay some truths on you lovely bitches and bastards.

Truth one: Giving inanimate objects personalities gets real creepy, real fast.

Truth two: I still think about Richard Karn sometimes, enough so that this thought ran through my head.

Truth three: Richard Karn needs to keep his shirt on.
No, I'm seriously not. Don't even ask. 

Truth four: I make fancy Facebook timeline photos.
This is my friend's guinea pig, if he were an astronaut. Related: I need a hobby. YES, I CHANGED THE WORD"HAMSTER" TO "GUINEA PIG" YOU FUCKING MAMMAL NAZIS. FUCK.

Truth five: This is how you get tips.
Guess which jar ol' Meaty used...

And lastly,

Truth six: Applebee's needs to stop encouraging me.
Truth 6.5: Howard is doing it wrong. 

That is all.