G Stands for Google (and Gag Reflex)

We've all been there.

You're at your computer, minding your own business, when BAM. Your inner child invades the serenity of your grown-up type activities with some nagging little question that's completely irrelevant to your life.

Yeah, who am I kidding? Your inner child invades *your daily allotted 5 hours of social media. Nonetheless, you now have an irritating, completely random question just begging for an answer lurking behind those beady little eyes.

One such question hit me on my lunch break today. I briefly reflected upon the olden days, when I'd have to actually go to the bookshelf, pull out an encyclopedia, and dig for the answer like a fucking archeologist. Usually, whatever encyclopedia I needed just happened to be the one that was missing, so I'd end up reading about the my favorite planet, Pluto, or modern technology, or any sort of information that's completely antiquated by now. I bet those encyclopedias would probably make a really funny read at this point, actually.

Anyway, I digress. I had a random question.
No, I'm not telling you what it was.
Because it's not important, that's why.
Do I ask you questions about what you Google? We all think of thi--hey, stop.

Fucking fine. My question was:

No, you horse's ass, I'm not broke enough that I was actually going to eat Fancy Feast. I went to the store at lunch to buy it for Mr. Biffles (for Mr. Biffles will eat only the finest cuts of ocean whitefish,) and one of them fell out of the bag while I was eating my lunch, which was a perfectly respectable serving of McNuggets.

Shhhhh. It's respectable. 

Side note: I got a siamese McNug! It tasted even better than the others.

So yes. Anyway. Eating lunch. Became curious about Fancy Feast. And because we are no longer cave men, with our Encyclopedia Britannicas and horse carriages, I went to Google.


Might I suggest to *never* let curiosity get the best of you during your lunch hour? Especially when your question involves whether or not you can eat something, and especially when you're on a shared network, where any number of horrible auto-complete phrases can ruin your life. I mean... if you like going from this:

To this:

Then I guess it's okay. Otherwise, no Google during lunch. Ever. I saw things that can't be unseen. WHO wants to eat WHAT now, and WHY?

Don't even ask me what I saw. I'll never tell. Suffice to say.... The fuck you say?? Bleh.

(Also, yes, you can eat Fancy Feast.)

Get in line, Mr. Biffles.

It's necessary to point out that all I had typed in was "can I eat," and was bombarded with mind-AIDS at that point in time. I didn't even have to finish my question.

This, in itself, lead me to another random question. Despite my trauma, I couldn't help but wonder.... What other perfectly innocent phrases would yield bizarre results? I decided to test out just one more. "What color is....." Below are my results.

And, just to make sure you're taking the journey with me:

Some of these seem a little elementary. Under normal circumstances, I'd be a little more gracious with the colors... but since we work in a creative environment with designers and Photoshop, I'm thinking these things should already be known. I'm going to go ahead and give Cyan the benefit of the doubt, though, just because it's hideous. But I just.... yeah.


Why specifically hippo milk?

*Fidgets around...* and despite all of this... all I want to do is go to Google and type just one more search. Just one more, to see what happens. I mean.... what harm could it do? Right?

Okay, I'm done. Suck my dick, Google. Suck my dick forever.



notanillusion said...

Bad things happen with Google autocomplete. That cannot be unknown.

Paul said...

*LAWLS* I just tried it out--auto-completing the fancy feast question. I got to "can I eat", and rolled around on the ground a moment. In laughter, because it doesn't apply to me as much as it does to the other 50% of the population.

Gross, but hilarious. I suppose that means people google that a lot? Hmm...

I invite everyone who is reading this to join me. It's like a field trip, but you don't have to go anywhere, and it's not any fun.

A Place to be Me said...

This post is epic. The end.