Why I'm not blogging today.

I wanna make pretty things for you, I really do. And I try. Oooh, do I try. But sometimes, the creativity is in short supply. Especially on Mondays. Enter, the Blahg.

Blahg = a post that had promise, but just didn't quite make it.

I tried, folks, I really did. I sat for tens of minutes, pondering what I could do to entertain you. I checked out the radar, and as usual, there wasn't a whole lot going on. I did see this chunk of sexy weather lingering over the area, though:

After a few moments of tilting my head this way and that, making faces which, in retrospect, I hope went unnoticed, I came up with a game plan.

"Yeah. Yeah! A fucking bird. This is going to be awesome!" I encouraged myself, naively. 

And by awesome, I apparently meant...


Not only is the bird itself kind of lopsided, but I realized after photoshopping that I had no story line, or even clever pun, to accompany it. Sure, I could've transformed him into a parrot and stuck him on someone's shoulder, since it's Talk Like a Pirate Day, but we already did that, remember?

Then, I thought, maybe I could turn the bird itself into a pirate. And add some shitty clone stamp leaves to cover up his lopsidedness. (Specifically, his tail feathers make me uncomfortable.  It looks like he's hiding something.) So I tried that.

Aaand, fuck it. Thanks for nothing, stupid dickbird.

So then I thought... Maybe I could do something else entirely. After all, I have been creating submissions for Cracked.com's weekly photoshop contests, so I do have a few random things on stand-by.

Like my submissions for "failed book covers:"

Because all the kids are just clamoring  for Dan Rather jokes.

And because That 70s Show is totally still funny and relevant. It definitely didn't stop being amusing 10 years ago. Not at all.

Okay, so no stupid book cover submissions. But then, there were my submissions for "figures of speech, as understood by a nine year old." Those were okay, right?

Y... You know... like... "I racked my brains for the .. answer... ? " ... You know, right? Guys?

Get it? "Wearing your heart on your sleeve?" Get it? Is anyone even still reading this shit??

*Cracks open a bottle of tequila.* It's SHIT A BRICK, assholes. Deal with it. *sobs openly*

If I went that route, just for good measure, maybe I'd throw in my current submission/abomination:  "terrifying arts & crafts projects:"

But then it occurred to me: If Cracked didn't like them... then they're probably not as clever as I thought when I made them. Just like stupid pirate bird. Which meant I had basically come full-circle, right back to square one.


So that's why I'm not blogging today. I'll just cop out and put up a stupid picture of Mr. Biffles. You guys eat that shit up anyway.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MR. BIFFLES?? Christ, I'm off my game today...

*snuggles into straight jacket.*

By the way.. if you want more Meteoroflgy, (and why wouldn't you, after a masterpiece like this,) 
follow my happy ass on Twitter!



Ben C said...

I totally thought your book covers were funny, so you should probably quit whining.

Also, my CAPTCHA "word" is "ligerlyb", which is where ligers go to study, except the spell it wrong because they haven't spent enough time at the ligerlib[rary].

trashamex said...

i just wanna know wHAt that bird is hIDIng under his tail feathers!?!

mmesinclair said...

Your Build-a-Bear project is a lot funnier than things I've seen on SNL...