In Which I Summarize Movies You Can't Believe I Haven't Seen

"Whaaaaa?? How have you NOT seen The Shawshank Redemption?! It's the greatest movie of all time, and it's so right up your alley!!"

We've all been on the receiving end of that one. Substitute Shawshank for whatever your little hearts desire, but the simple fact remains: Somewhere, someone can't believe you haven't seen something. (Side note: You really should see Shawshank.)

I thought I'd take a few of the ones I get a lot, and guess how the movies go, since honestly, I probably won't watch any of them. I'm cinematically lazy like that. I'll be combining the few facts I do know about these movies, and using Google image search and context clues to fill in the gaps.


Most of the movie takes place in the title guy's office. At least that's what I assume, since any time I've seen a snippet on TV, people are always sitting and talking to him there. I'm also going to go ahead and assume that he is The Godfather, but that "godfather" doesn't mean what it traditionally means in this context. It probably means close to the opposite of its textbook definition.

He is a very powerful mobster, but will only do favors for people when one of his relatives gets married. This is because it provides cover for his shady dealings, and also because he is an introvert and hates big parties and crowds.

Someone needs a super DUPER favor when his daughter gets married, so he makes an offer (the favor-asker) can't refuse. (Yay, pop culture!) I'm pretty sure it's this guy. I'm going to call him "Doug," because "this guy" and "that guy" will get confusing.

Doug is fighting with an old man who keeps lots of expensive horses as pets. We're just going to call him Skeeter, because consistency is important with story telling.

Skeeter owes Doug a great deal of money, and has missed his deadline. Everyone who knows Skeeter also knows that Patty Mayonnaise is his prized and most favorite horse. So when Doug asks The Godfather to help him show Skeeter that he is no longer fucking around, The Godfather knows exactly how to deliver that message.

With his beloved Patty Mayonnaise decapitated, and nothing left to live for, Skeeter continues to refuse paying Doug, knowing that The Godfather will murder him, which he does. The ending is bitter-sweet though, because Skeeter and Patty get to be together again in Horse/Mobster heaven.


I feel like this one is kind of like the Matrix, except with less computers and more dreams. Are we dreaming? Is this real life? Why is the world tilting at a 45 degree angle? Haha, isn't this a hoot?!

Inception takes place in a world where a handful of people have the ability to dream the world into a state that better suits them. Leo and Juno and their friends find a way to infiltrate this dreaming world, and are trying to find ways to stop the evil-doer from bending reality. The evil-doer is really good at controlling the dream world, though, and that's why this shit is always happening:

and this shit:

and also this shit:

Spoiler alert: At least half of the main characters in this movie die, because come on. Look at that shit. Ain't nobody going to survive buildings flipping over and fizzy lifting drinks. Leo and Juno definitely survive and definitely get their bone on. But not before finding some stupid lever or button that forces the bad guy to lose his ability to control the world with his mind.


Admittedly, I wasn't even sure that I hadn't seen this movie until a couple weeks ago, when I discovered that Labyrinth and Pan's Labyrinth were actually two separate movies. In my defense, the latter definitely looks like something in which David Bowie would participate as well. It looks creepy and scary, the two key things I associate with him.


Anyway, in this Spanish Alice in Wonderland, the little girl (who we'll call Alice) climbs underneath the scariest fucking tree she can find, and lands herself in a bizarre underworld of mazes and puzzles she must solve in order to return home.

Of course, there are those who would rather keep her prisoner. The main villain - a goat man named Pan, sends his right-hand man to ensure she can't find her way out of the many puzzles and tasks he sets before her.

If this movie has a douchebag who is always making horrible puns, you know it's this asshole. "Oh, eye'd love to give you a hand with that, Alice, but as you can see, it might be a bit of a palmblem. Hor hor hor hor!"

Despite being fully-equipped for villainy, what with his wrinkly naked-mole rat skin, Voldemort non-nose, and desperate need for a manicure, this guy is quite the bumbling idiot, which allows Alice to navigate Pan's Labyrinth quite easily. Ultimately he takes maters into his own hands, and they have a big spooky show-down. At this point in the movie, Alice realizes how ludicrous and impossible everything happening is, and realizes she's dreaming. She thusly imagines a bed, and one materializes right there in the labyrinth (because, you know, dreamin' magics,) and she tucks herself in. Because just as sleep leads to dreams in the waking world, sleep leads to waking in the dreaming world.


Jesus, it took me like five minutes to even find this picture on Google, because I can barely spell the title.

I really don't understand why this movie is cute. Basically, it's about a chef who finds a rat in his restaurant, and instead of, you know, making it leave, he decides to let him help out in the kitchen, which leads me to believe he's probably the shittiest chef on the planet. How else could unexpected vermin in the kitchen possibly turn out to be a good thing?

He lets the rat take a huge shit in the gumbo, and starts winning awards for it. It's like Sweeney Todd, except instead of bodies, there's rat shit. What's more heart-warming and appetizing than that?

Anything. The answer you are looking for is anything. Take away the Pixar animation, and see how adorable this becomes.

I rest my case.


I'm confused about the time period in which this movie takes place. On the one hand, I feel like there's a chubby kid watching television. On the other, I know there are pirates involved. (There are, right? Christ, I hope so, or I'm really not going to come close with this synopsis. You know. Unlike the other ones.)

A group of ragtag misfits go looking for a pirate treasure, and have all sorts of wacky encounters along the way. I seriously doubt they find the treasure. I bed someone finds a big ol' treasure chest, opens it, and discovers only a scrap of paper with the word "friendship" written on. It's one of those stories where at the end, the adventure itself was the real treasure. Which is all fine and good, but, you know...

I think this guy's name is Sloth, and that he eats nothing but Baby Ruth candy bars, but I could be wrong. He lives in the cave where the misfits go to search for the treasure. I don't think he's a villain, but the kids spend half the movie running from him anyway, because look at that shit. What is going on up there? It's some sort of weird combination of Elephantiasis, male pattern baldness, and just a touch of bad dental hygiene.

I wish I could tell you that the fat kid who does the Truffle Shuffle adopts this little critter so that he can live out the rest of his days comfortably, but in all honesty, the kids probably stone him to death out of rage after they discover they're not going home with a fat sack of doubloons.

There are tons of other movies that I'm apparently supposed to have seen. Maybe I'll touch on the others some other time. In the meantime, I hope you found this as noneducational as possible, because, per tradition, I am talking directly out of my anus.

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1 comment:

Melissa Long said...

LMAO I have actually only seen one of these! Ratatouille or however it's spelled (I have small children). Also, your google searches MADE MY DAY!