A Darker Side of Etsy

We all know what Etsy is, right?

Psh. Why am I even asking? We live in the golden era of the almighty Hipster. Of course we know what it is.

I can't judge too much. I totally get sucked into browsing its enticing pages for hours, wishing I had enough time or patience to make and share arts & crafts with the world; browsing the creative wall decals covetously, before remembering that my fickle ways would have me tearing it down in a week; trying to justify buying tiny glass bottles and stoppers in bulk.

But every once in a while, I'm jolted from my mystical, homemade wonderland, by something like this:






First and foremost: FUCK.
Secondly: You have to realize: At some point, someone stepped back from this labor of love and/or murder, gazed into this little critter's bloodshot, secret-concealing eyes, and thought, "Yep. This is exactly the sort of thing that would lull a child to sleep." I just... I don't know. Maybe I'm being insensitive to albinos, but this thing scared the hell out of me.





This next one is.. ah... um.... Hmm. Right. An ... elephant?



Regardless of whether or not this is an elephant, I've become convinced that the ominous meatsack hanging from its face most likely could and would be used to take advantage of anything within grabbing/groping distance. I'll take a pass, rapephant, but thanks anyway.

Then, I came across this scary motherfucker:



In Soviet Russia, tea drink you!
(By that, I obviously mean tea murders you in your sleep, harvests your organs, sticks a straw in your liver, and sips the night away. *shudder*)

This next one is a double threat. First threat? It lures you into believing it's actually adorable.



Do. Not. Be. Deceived. The narwhal is a murderous death beast. Greek mythology speculates that the narwhal used to swim in seas of the blood of their victims, until their supply of obtainable prey ran out.** They migrated to the oceans in order to survive, but their blood lust is as strong as it ever was. They can- and would, without hesitation- impale you through the chest, on Christmas morning, in front of your entire family.

**Citation? I'm Greek. I just know this shit, okay?

Speaking of Christmas, the final disturbing Etsy find of the day comes to you with three gentle reminders.

#1 - He sees you when you're sleeping.



#2 - He enters your home, uninvited, every year, and could snap your neck like a jolly twig.



#3 - The fucking devil lives in his eyes.



Why are you still at your computer? Run!

FUCKING RUN. 

Anyway... thanks for the nightmares, Etsy! Better browsing luck for me next time, I hope.






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4 comments:

erin said...

hilarious! please make that narwhal tote, i want one. narwhals are terrifying!

Anonymous said...

I don't know what etsy is, but now I have no desire to find out!

A Place to be Me said...

Holy hell that rabbit is fricken SCARY! I may have nightmares!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

This made me laugh till I couldn't breathe, proving your point - those are ALL TRYING TO KILL ME. Yet somehow, totally awesome. Rapephant just about ended me and who the hell makes a devil-albino bunny? Holy shit.