3.) 5 Hours of energy, 30 seconds of bullshit
I don't even know where to start with you, 5 Hour Energy. First of all, you didn't say anything in this commercial. At all. Did the doctors ever say to you, verbatim, "Yes, I would recommend your product to my patients?" Did they tell you they approve of what you sell? I have no fucking idea. I'm not sure what part of this commercial screams "clarity" to you, but someone on the 5 Hour Energy staff most definitely got an "F" in marketing. Let me shorten and rephrase this commercial for you: We asked a bunch of doctors if they would recommend our product, despite the fact that it tastes like sour cat piss. What they said is AMAZEBALLS OMG. They said that they would recommend something like our product! But at no point, did they mention our specific product. So... yeah. Aside from the fact that the doctors they asked never even endorsed the fucking thing, only 73% liked the idea at all. Why are you so impressed with this statistic, 5 Hour Energy?? Where I come from, a 73% is considered a solid D letter grade, and a week without video games.
This is the only commercial I can remember seeing which makes me want to stop buying something I use. Good job, guys. *golf clap.* And speaking of energy drinks with shitty commercials...
2.) Arby's promotes cannibalism
Apparently, this video has been removed by Arby's because they, too, realized how awful it was. You probably have seen it, though: Throughout the decades, dating all the way back to the 70s, a suicidal pigeon lunges himself at the window of Arby's HQ time and time again, in an attempt to share his idea. Unfortunately, no one opens the window for a good 40 years. UNTIL NOW. (gasp) The pigeon's grand idea? Turkey! Of course!
Now, while I'm all for delicious, steamy, thinly-sliced turkey goodness... I'm confused by this particular choice of messenger. Chik-fil-a has those infamously unfunny cows holding up crudely painted signs, asking potential customers to eat more chicken, which makes sense. As cows, anything they can do to steer the masses away from eating beef is a good thing for them. But what the fuck, pigeon?? I know pigeons aren't turkeys, but it seems kind of odd and evil for a bird to go to such great lengths to have fellow feathered friends slaughtered for sammiches.
1.) Red Bull(shit)
First of all, boar, you're chasing a hunter, and you've caught him. FINISH HIM, you sadistic sow! Why on earth would you fuel him up to keep running? Have you considered that he might actually escape, and continue his killing spree? He could kill your drinking pals, or your parents, or your lady friend if you let your pride get the better of you. It's a well-known fact that boars are illogical creatures, but surely even they understand the basic concept of finishing what they've started, or efficiency. (And speaking of efficiency, worst hunter ever, right? You take two steps in the woods, fire one shot, and give up? Fuck you. You're a bad role model for aspiring hunters everywhere.)
That isn't really what bothers me the most here, though. Was it just me and my over-active imagination, or... does the boar seem a little... how shall I put this... rape...y? Re-watch, if you must, but the inflection of the boars voice is nothing but down-right seductive. Additionally, if this hypothesis is accurate, it might explain away the first inconsistency. Maybe this is all part of his sick, twisted boar love game. Red Bull ads are always a bit racey, but I think man-boar lovin' is definitely crossing the line.
Not okay, Redbull. Not okay.
I'm sure there are others, but those particular three caught my attention. You can do better, ad execs. I believe in you!