Driving Drama

My neck hurts from shaking my goddamned head for the past ninety minutes.

Mr. Biffles eats like a beast, and as such, I decided to take a trip to Kroger this afternoon, to buy him some more Tasty Vittles 'N Shit, or whatever the name brand I get is called. I tried to pull down the main lane, and was met with this:

"....and?" you may be thinking to yourself. "Just a normal Ford truck pulling out of a parking spot."

Wrong-o. This self-entitled jackass actually invented a parking spot, which blocked in a handicapped car. This new, magic parking spot happened to be right in the middle of the fucking lane.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

There are so many unanswered questions.

1) How did this turd bandit even get out of his vehicle without being beaten to a pulp by every other patron in the parking lot, who followed the rules of common sense, and didn't invent their own fucking parking spot?
2) Are you fucking kidding me?
3) K, I guess there are only two questions. But still.

I mean, this guy didn't even come close to not sucking dick. There is no way to give him the benefit of the doubt. The entire cab, and part of the "bed" portion were sticking well past the line.

Pro: You won't forget where you parked.
Con: You're a fucking ass-hat. 

All of my fellow parking lot patrons were staring and scowling in awe; even the cart jockey, and you know those guys have probably seen some weird shit in their parking lots. I decided that justice must be served, even if it was a small amount. I even wrote a song about it:

Hey, I didn't meet you,
And this is lazy,
But you're a fucking idiot.
So here's a note:

Someone saw me walking cautiously around the truck for a moment, and asked if I was the one blocked in. I replied, "Nope. Just leaving him a note telling him he's a douche canoe." The guy laughed pretty hard and asked if I was serious, to which I replied with sticking this note under Fuckface Fordguy's windshield wiper, and going about my business.

Oddly enough, that wasn't the end of my adventures this afternoon.

I didn't know my town had an ice cream truck, but apparently we do. And by "we do," I mean "We kind of do. We have an ice cream windowless van. Does that count?" I would have taken a picture of this, but I was driving behind him, and that would have been unsafe. Especially considering that he started to make a left-hand turn in front of oncoming traffic.


Instead of flipping the bird and swerving around the ice cream child abductor   truck  windowless van -- which he totally had room to do -- the man leading the oncoming traffic decided, in rush hour, on the most annoying street of my drive home, that he should stop his car (and traffic) and yell at the ice cream guy. Traffic was stopped both ways, mind you, because the ice cream windowless van wanted to turn left exactly where this dude was stopped.

Yes, it sucks when someone cuts you off, but for fuck's sake. Don't punish dozens of people during rush hour traffic to bitch about an every day occurrence.

Being front and center to the action, I decided it was my duty to do everything in my power to speed things along. I blasted the horn continuously, making it more difficult for Fartknocker to converse with his new best friend. (Oncoming traffic guy will henceforth be referred to as Fartknocker, for brevity's sake.)

Finally, when enough people joined in the honking and screaming, he began to move. But not enough to unblock that road for ICWV (Ice Cream Windowless Van) to make his left turn. Instead, guess who he pulls right up beside?

Yours truly.


Because this seems appropriate for both of us, that's why.

(This is about as verbatim as I can remember. The adrenaline was high.)

Me: Are you even kidding me right now?
Fartknocker: Dude. The man almost hit me.
Me: So, you're going to stop rush-hour traffic to sit and fight with strangers?? Really?
Fartknocker: He almost hit me!
Me: And?? Move on already. There is no reason for you to still be here.
Fartknocker: He almost HIT me!!
Me: .... You're kind of a little bitch, aren't you... (yes.. I really said it. And yes, he totally was.)
Fartknocker: *flips me the bird and drives off, WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE DONE TO ICWV IN THE FIRST PLACE*

I don't really know of a good way to tie these two stories together, other than to state the obvious, which is that people need to put on their fucking thinking caps before they make themselves look like idiots in public. Or, in the case of these two morons, one might recommend not only a thinking cap, but also a brain-bustier and a brand spankin' new pair of grow-the-fuck-up galoshes as well.

Shaking. My. Head. Forever. -_-

Drive safe, friends.



Ben C said...

Look, I happen to know where you live (at a city-level, not any creepier than that) and I think you're missing an obvious explanation: there's a high degree of stupid among the locals.

Amanda Kay said...

Yes there is. A high degree of both stupid *and* undeserved entitlement. It's the perfect storm of whatthefuckery. :p

A Place to be Me said...

Turd Bandit? Douche Canoe?! I simply love you! I'm laughing my butt off and then I remember that I'm fairly sure you live in the same town as me. That could be my local Kroger. That could be the guy next to me in traffic. And then I'm shaking my head.