I've been enjoying an unusually large amount of television lately. I think I might be hitting winter hibernation mode a little early this year. Whatever the cause, with much television comes much advertising. And I feel like commercials are making less and less sense as time goes by. Allow me to cite a couple examples:
3.) 5 Hours of energy, 30 seconds of bullshit
I don't even know where to start with you, 5 Hour Energy.
First of all, you didn't say anything in this commercial. At all. Did the doctors ever say to you, verbatim, "Yes, I would recommend your product to my patients?" Did they tell you they approve of what you sell? I have no fucking idea. I'm not sure what part of this commercial screams "clarity" to you, but someone on the 5 Hour Energy staff most definitely got an "F" in marketing.
Let me shorten and rephrase this commercial for you:
We asked a bunch of doctors if they would recommend our product, despite the fact that it tastes like sour cat piss. What they said is AMAZEBALLS OMG. They said that they would recommend something like our product! But at no point, did they mention our specific product. So... yeah. Aside from the fact that the doctors they asked never even endorsed the fucking thing, only 73% liked the idea at all. Why are you so impressed with this statistic, 5 Hour Energy?? Where I come from, a 73% is considered a solid D letter grade, and a week without video games.
This is the only commercial I can remember seeing which makes me want to stop buying something I use. Good job, guys. *golf clap.* And speaking of energy drinks with shitty commercials...
2.) Arby's promotes cannibalism
Apparently, this video has been removed by Arby's because they, too, realized how awful it was. You probably have seen it, though: Throughout the decades, dating all the way back to the 70s, a suicidal pigeon lunges himself at the window of Arby's HQ time and time again, in an attempt to share his idea. Unfortunately, no one opens the window for a good 40 years. UNTIL NOW. (gasp) The pigeon's grand idea? Turkey! Of course!
Now, while I'm all for delicious, steamy, thinly-sliced turkey goodness... I'm confused by this particular choice of messenger. Chik-fil-a has those infamously unfunny cows holding up crudely painted signs, asking potential customers to eat more chicken, which makes sense. As cows, anything they can do to steer the masses away from eating beef is a good thing for them. But what the fuck, pigeon?? I know pigeons aren't turkeys, but it seems kind of odd and evil for a bird to go to such great lengths to have fellow feathered friends slaughtered for sammiches.
Shit, pigeon. What the fuck?? Do you just not like turkeys? Are you a self-hating bird?? I mean, I don't like Justin Beiber, but I'm not going to slam myself into a window over and over again, for years, until someone agrees to roast, thinly slice, and serve him at a reasonable price. And for that matter, let's look at the number of years you've been at this. Forty eight? Really? Aside from the fact that you've more than likely missed out on many great facets of pigeon life due to your vendetta, (such as your son's graduation and pooping on statues) after a little research, I've learned that even the oldest, strongest pigeons only live to be about 35, tops. And considering you're slamming yourself into windows every other day trying to be an awful person/pigeon, I seriously doubt you're in the best of health. And all these things considered, my friend, add up to one simple truth: You have secrets. Terrible secrets. What's your game? What are you hiding? Do you... do you like eating turkey sandwiches?? Do you eat turkeys because they add to your life force, allowing you to live eternally?? Because that's really fucked up.And fuck you, Arby's, for not only allowing this to happen, but exploiting it for your own financial gain.
1.) Red Bull(shit)
First of all, boar, you're chasing a hunter, and you've caught him. FINISH HIM, you sadistic sow! Why on earth would you fuel him up to keep running? Have you considered that he might actually escape, and continue his killing spree? He could kill your drinking pals, or your parents, or your lady friend if you let your pride get the better of you. It's a well-known fact that boars are illogical creatures, but surely even they understand the basic concept of finishing what they've started, or efficiency. (And speaking of efficiency, worst hunter ever, right? You take two steps in the woods, fire one shot, and give up? Fuck you. You're a bad role model for aspiring hunters everywhere.)
That isn't really what bothers me the most here, though. Was it just me and my over-active imagination, or... does the boar seem a little... how shall I put this... rape...y? Re-watch, if you must, but the inflection of the boars voice is nothing but down-right seductive. Additionally, if this hypothesis is accurate, it might explain away the first inconsistency. Maybe this is all part of his sick, twisted boar love game. Red Bull ads are always a bit racey, but I think man-boar lovin' is definitely crossing the line.
Not okay, Redbull. Not okay.
I'm sure there are others, but those particular three caught my attention. You can do better, ad execs. I believe in you!
Ladies and gents, behold the best cake I've ever had the good fortune to know in person. My dear friend Amy made this for a small Halloween get-together I hosted last night, and it's simply too beautiful not to share with the world.
I particularly love the glistening, slightly-protruding lower lip. And I assure you, he tasted just as good as he--- HOLY SHIT I JUST ATE THE BODY OF CHRIST. Mind = blown.
Thanks again, friend!
UPDATE: I submitted this masterpiece to Reddit, and it climbed its way to the front page within about 6 hours or so! Which means it also made its way to a website Amy and I are addicted to called Imgur! That's freaking incredible. :D Hi, Reddit & Imgur friends! Thanks for your support and for your love of sacrelicious confections!
Another UDATE: Oh, and now it's on The Daily What, as well. Crazy! SPREAD THE GOOD WORD OF BEAST JESUS TO ALL THE LAND!
So, Amerian Horror Story (one of my favorite shows on TV right now) is having a Polyvore contest. Polyvore, if you're unfamiliar, allows you to view fashion trends, create collages, and allows companies and shows and other famous whoevers with more fucking money than me to have contests like this, providing images from their site and/or images provided by the contest holder to the entrants. I hope that makes sense. I'm kind of wastey-faced.
Anyway... I decided to enter. I'm pretty sure my design is going to win, so you can all stop trying now.
